Sorry - have to do this so I can keep my mouth shut in real life.
To my new office mate: Hi. Glad you've joined the lab. Well, not really, because you represent a financial commitment that my boss isn't willing to make to me. In any case, thanks for taking an interest in my life. However, I'm able to manage my time without your input, so feel free to stop asking me what I'm working on, how it's going, why I'm not going to conferences/meetings/poster presentations, where I am, where I'm going, where I've been and other questions of that ilk. If you don't see me at my desk, I'm probably in the lab, darkroom, another lab, or the other lab. Oh - and don't worry about the number of hours I'm here - trust me, it's enough, and it's not your business. Thanks! P.S. I don't really want to talk to you about jewelery, face-lifts, my weight, your weight, or how The Biggest Loser is your favorite show because you like "seeing the fat people run around." I don't really think I have much in common with you.
To the clueless grad students: I'm done helping you. You're rude, obnoxious, disrespectful and some of you are just jerks. Just because I'm female doesn't mean that I don't know what I'm talking about, and even if you don't respect the fact that I got my degree and you're still earning yours, I have more years of experience than you do, and you should realize that. You mistake arrogance for confidence, and I'm not in the mood to argue with you, nor do I have the time to do so. P.S. You're wrong, by the way, but you can figure that out yourself.
To the new postdoc I like: No, it's always like this. It's always a frat-boy atmosphere, and liking what you're working on isn't enough to get you through this. It's 6 months in, and you're unhappy. They're never going to listen to you, they think they know everything, and they will always be overconfident and dismissive.
To my potential new employer: Please hire me. Please please please. I love your lab, I liked your people, and I want to go away and do something different now. You seemed really nice and encouraging, and I think you liked me, and I'm really really desperately hoping to come work with you. I know you said you'd get back to me next week, but please make it early in the week because I'm a nervous wreck.
Once more, into the breach.